I have no idea when this happened, but now that it's here, I think I'm ready. I had such a difficult time becoming comfortable here, something my pride kept me from admitting for a while, but it was extremely hard. I didn't realize how long it had been since I was the "new kid", even though here we all were. It doesn't get any easier. That's the first thing I learned here: It's okay to suck at being the new kid.
Things got better though. I remembered how to make new friends. I went on trips and learned new things and saw the most amazing art, and I was finally happy here. It might have taken me two weeks, but I still had four weeks to make the most of it, and I'd like to think that I did. There were still times that I felt confused and unaccepted and pushed aside, but then I remember what I decided a long time ago: It's okay to not give a fuck what people think about you.
People told me I would "find myself" here, and I don't really think that's true. I found out a lot about myself, but it's nothing that wasn't there before. In order to find myself here I had to be lost in the first place, and I'd like to think I wasn't; but I still learned so very much about who I am and what I want out of life and the kind of people I want to keep share my life with. I learned about the world I live in and the country I'm from and how much it actually is a wonderful place to live and grow up. In light of how negative the world view of America has become in the last few years, I forgot why people initially loved it so much, and still do. I remembered that here.
I have about two pages to finish for my research paper, which went more smoothly than I thought it would, and then I have to finish studying for art history. I have that exam tomorrow morning and then I'm going to spend the day trying to squeeze in as much as possible. There's so much I didn't get to do here, and on the one hand it's frustrating, but on the other hand it leaves me more to do if, and when, i come back.
I'm ready for home, though. Calling a cab Wednesday morning is going to be so strange. I finished packing yesterday (kudos for my military parents for teaching me the art of packing well) and it's weird to see everything in my suitcase again. I'm going to have a hectic day of traveling, and I'm NOT looking forward to going through customs in Chicago. I've told myself in advance that I don't care if my luggage gets lost. I don't care if I miss a flight. I'm just going to deal with it as it comes and let everything work itself out. If I can do that in a foreign country I can sure as hell do that while traveling.
One day and a wake up. Here we go!
Athena
No comments:
Post a Comment